It’s sad but true: Many relationships are doomed from the start. All too often, relationship communication and satisfaction between intimate partners break down. Partners fail to meet each other’s needs. And the worst part is that in the beginning, those happy, full-of-hope couples weren’t just kidding themselves. They really did think they would make it, beat the odds, and live through the rest of their lives together smiling for the most part.
So, what happens to us in relationships that kill our wonderful intentions? Why is it that so many of us, despite our best intentions and our highest hopes, can’t seem to keep our relationship a healthy and living thing, or even keep it alive at all? Why do so many of us not see it coming and then eventually give up and break up, separate, or divorce?
There are many explanations that couples have given me for why their relationships have failed. There’s the classic “We just drifted apart.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that one. Wood drifts apart—people don’t. Unresolved issues and communication problems cause distance between people in a relationship. When you say, “We just drifted apart,” what you really mean is: “We don’t love each other anymore,” or “We don’t have the same feelings for each other anymore.”
Or how about this one: “They turned out to be nuts.” Sorry and surprise. This reason for the demise of a relationship, more often than not, just doesn’t cut it either. We’re all weird and strange to some degree and there are very few saints and angels left in the world.
I also hear, “We really don’t have much in common,” quite often. Hmmm … then why is it that you even got together? And why is it that so many couples have different interests and yet are happy together?
Whatever the true reasons are for people throwing in the tear-sodden relationship towel, it is a good thing to see it coming rather than having it hit you smack in the face,
Warning Signs of a Breakup
1. Toxic thoughts seep in, Most couples are simply unable to address their real problems because toxic thinking gets them so sidetracked that they can’t “see” the real problems or issues.
As I describe in my relationship book, Why Can’t You Read My Mind, toxic thinking (those invisible, highly negative, persistent thoughts) usually sends one or both partners off on an emotionally reactive mission to prove their innocence from the charges being leveled at them. For example, in the case of Robin and Dan, when trapped in their toxic thoughts, their resulting toxic fight went something like this:
Dan: I’m not selfish. Just last week I did all the kitchen cleanup by myself every night so you could focus on your work presentation.
Robin: At least I don’t always wreck our good time. We had fun at your friend’s dinner party until you started whining like a baby about how hard your life is!
Round and round it goes. Arguing this way is exhausting. If this couple can even remember why they’re arguing in the first place, they will probably be too tired and fed up to even talk about it.
The distraction created by toxic thinking inevitably causes partners to become frustrated with one another. It is one of the worst side effects of toxic thinking. This is the point at which I hear couples say things like, “He doesn’t understand me,” “She’s so unreasonable,” or “I can never get through to him.”
2. Inwardly, there is less wanting to share personal happenings. Happy couples miss each other and want to share personal experiences. In couples where a partner, or both, wants to end a relationship, the conversations become more scant and trivial. Communication has less “feel-good” meaning and when it occurs it is more about a sense of duty—or obligation.
Relationships Essential Reads
3. Disconnecting and disappearing. When partners become silently frustrated, they become distant from one another. When a relationship is doomed, partners slowly start leading separate lives. This creates emotional and physical distance that is hard to close the gap on. They simply don’t like or value spending abundant time together anymore.
4. Frequent breakups and make-ups. This may not seem to fit in the “not so obvious” theme of this post. But after going through breakups, couples tend to minimize or forget them after making up. But as you are heading in the wrong relationship direction to a dead-end, these hurtful temporary endings are signs that you’re cruising down the Break Up Expressway. Let’s also not forget about those small breakup speeches you’ve already rehearsed in your head but did not have the confidence to actually say. These rehearsed private breakup speeches, or even actual fleeting breakups, are usually temporary, but they act as mile markers that—one day—you will arrive at the final destination called “We Are Really Done This Time City.”