Blending families through marriage is usually a complicated and problematic transition that seems to go on and on. The blended family develops a life of its own as the years go by. Alliances are established and some ways of interacting are solidified. When twins are added to the merger of two nuclear families, unique and stressful issues arise that are not usually found in non-twin families. For example, twin A is getting married but her twin sister B won’t or can’t get along with her new fiancé because of jealousy and fears of abandonment.
Twin B literally bad-mouths and humiliates her twin sister’s future husband. Twin B might say that the new husband is too old, not rich, and not good-looking enough. Of course, there is more that is said about the new addition to the family. Unfortunately, fighting and name-calling can be relentless and each twin sister tries to get other family members to take sides. Twin B is non-supportive, even at her sister’s wedding. The war over who started this never-ending conflict about the wedding smolders. When a new issue arises about a family event where someone feels slighted or ignored, a seriously mean-spirited confrontation may come to the surface out of frustration.
Can You Eliminate Twin Family Problems?
It’s obvious to me from my experiences with twins that there is no one way to understand how to integrate twins into a new and larger family circle. Twin family problems are inevitable. Here are more examples that demonstrate the intensity of the hostility that takes place.
The Graduation. Madeline and Martha, identical twins, are married with children. Madeline loves her nephew Sean. Martha prohibits her son from seeing Auntie Madeline because she hates her twin. Darlene, the twins’ mother, takes Martha’s side and both Darlene and Martha tell Madeline to stay home because she is not welcome at Sean’s graduation. Fortunately, anyone can attend this high school graduation as there are no admission tickets needed. Madeline attends with her husband and son in spite of the blatant shunning targeted toward her at the ceremony. Madeline is ostracized yet again from her family of origin. But she stands firm with her husband and child and stays at the graduation. Her nephew appreciates his aunt’s presence. And her son is very happy that he could attend this important event and support his cousin.
Believe it or not, this type of family disharmony happens all of the time. Mom takes sides to perhaps be a “twin” with one of her daughters and lets her other suffer. The twins are split apart because mom wants to be a twin. Outrageous and damaging to the entire extended family, including grandchildren and sons-in-law and daughters-in-law, stopping favoritism can be impossible.
The 5-Year-Old Birthday Party. Jenna and Anna are going to be five. Their parents are so proud of their “girls” and give a huge birthday party for kindergarten friends, neighborhood friends, and family members. Anna, the quieter twin, plays with just one neighborhood friend and seems happy when the commotion of the birthday party is over. Jenna loves the party and interacts easily with all of the guests. After the party, Jenna and Anna share their presents. Mom and dad are concerned that Anna is so retiring but have no tools to help her. A dependence develops where Anna relies on Jenna to make friends and speak with the world outside of their twinship. Jenna likes being the important twin and helps her sister.
The 20th Birthday Party. Jenna and Anna now go to the same college. They share friends and have their own separate friends. Jenna is more popular and the friends she invites to come to their birthday party are very enthusiastic. Anna’s friends are not interested in attending the party. They don’t like Jenna. Anna is hurt and demoralized by the reaction of her so-called friends. She cancels her own birthday party, even though so much effort has gone into its planning. Jenna is very angry at her sister for canceling the party.
What is probably contributing to this disharmony is the reality that Jenna and Anna shared too many friends growing up and Jenna was the leader in making friends. Friend-sharing hurts and confuses twins and their friends. In addition, sharing friends allows one twin to rely too much on her sister for making friendships.
When twins want to share friends, try to encourage them to make their own friends as this will eliminate competition, unhappiness, and lack of social skills development for one twin.
Who Should We Invite?
Developing a separate social life from a twin is always a problem. Twins are always sensitive to rejection and to what kind of attention their sister or brother is getting. Never minimize this problem by saying, “Let’s invite both of the twins,” because this insensitivity can create anxiety and anguish. As an adult, I rarely go to events with my sister, as the competition and comparisons that go on can be very hurtful. Think about which twin should be invited very seriously.
Acceptance to a Social Club
As teenage twins, my sister and I started to have our own special friends. We applied for acceptance to a girls club together and my sister was asked to join. I was blackballed. Fortunately, I had male friends and was not lonely. But I think that this experience made it hard for me to think that I could have female friends as I grew older.
In other words, twins are very sensitive to rejection no matter what.
Conclusions
I think there are some strategies that help minimize family disharmony. First, it is so important to accept that twins create new and different problems than single children at family events. Do not expect that you will see normal behavior when twins are involved.
A second point to understand is that disharmony is hard to hide when twins are involved. Unlike other families that try to pretend they can get along, twins are not good at ignoring their anger at their co-twin. When you see disharmony starting between twins, try to stay neutral—or to stay out of the bickering. Focus on something else about the event like what you are going to make for dinner, and where guests will sit.
A third must is to avoid taking sides between twins about who is to blame for their inability to get along. Even 35-year-old twins and much older twins will regress to blaming one another: “It’s her fault.” “No, it’s your fault.” Onlookers/outsiders will never get the right answer.
A related issue is the reality that others will want to take one side or the other. If you are a twin, do not encourage friends and relatives to take sides unless they know the situation between the two of you very well. A statement such as, “Your sister is prettier than you,” or “Your brother is smarter than you,” can be hurtful to the twin seen as “less than.” Try to understand why you would want to do this. Just don’t compare twins in general, ever.
When you think you are smart enough and kind enough to be the peacemaker, you are getting yourself in deep water and may drown. Thinking you can figure out what is diagnostically wrong between the fighting twins is impossible because most of the time the twins themselves are not sure what is wrong. Being a “fixer” for fighting twins is setting yourself up for heartache and failure.
The only answer to fighting at family events such as weddings, graduations, and birthdays is to ban fighting. Don’t ask twins to get along. Just ask them to stay home if they cannot contain their anger at each other. Or if possible don’t invite them to the same party. Think about how to establish a separate and unique relationship with each one that will be beneficial for everyone in the family.
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