How to Steer a Loved One With a Substance Use Disorder to Change

How often have you tried to get your loved one to quit their substance of choice? How much begging, pleading, and bargaining have you done? And, worse, how many empty promises have you heard from your loved one? If you’ve experienced the frustration and helplessness of loving someone with a substance use disorder, you may need to hone your skills on the do’s and don’ts.

When we’re in a relationship with a loved one struggling with addiction, our first instinct is to help in any way we can. It’s only natural to want to stop the suffering, take control, and fix the problem. But the reality is we can’t do any of those things. Think about it; the addicted loved one has lost control over the substance, so it is futile to think we have any control over it.

An Attempt to Relieve Pain

It’s important to understand that no one dealing with a substance use disorder wants to be suffering. The reason your loved one found their way to addiction is to relieve some form of pain. Somewhere along the way, they found relief from that pain, whether emotional or physical, by using their substance of choice. It’s a distraction and a temporary solution to stop the uncomfortable feelings they don’t know how to handle. They don’t do it because of a lack of willpower, morals, or values; they don’t do it to get back at you; and they don’t do it because they want to.

Having a substance use disorder means doing the behavior whether it’s killing them or those around them. When use turns into abuse, the brain is altered and becomes dependent on the substance; it becomes a survival tool.

We’ve heard of “tough love” and “letting go,” but the definitions vary depending on who’s saying the words. Knowing the do’s and don’ts is essential for doing what’s best for our well-being and our loved ones.

Someone who is addicted to substances uses them to maintain their comfort and avoid pain. If the goal for our loved one is abstinence, depending on the use disorder, the process to change the behavior will look different. The possibilities can include detox, treatment, sober housing, 12-step programs, and much more.

Changing Your Own Behavior First

But, in all cases, our behavior as a loved one can affect the timing of that process. To motivate someone with a substance use disorder to change their behavior, it’s possible that changing yours first can be the catalyst for them to change theirs.

Stepping out of keeping the loved one comfortable, disrupting the status quo, and changing your tactics with your loved one is the fastest course of action to encourage your loved one to seek help. After all, when the pain of not changing becomes greater than that of changing, change has a chance. And, it’s more likely going to take you initiating that change than your loved one.

So let’s get to the do’s and don’ts.

The Don’ts

1. Don’t nag, beg, plead, bargain, threaten, yell, and scream; these tactics give your loved one more ammunition to keep using.
2. Don’t make excuses or lie for your loved one.
3. Don’t sugarcoat the issue or tiptoe around it. The elephant in the room needs addressing.
4. Don’t protect your loved one from the natural consequences of their actions.
5. Don’t keep secrets.
6. Don’t set boundaries you’re not willing to follow through with.
7. Don’t criticize, blame, or shame your loved one or yourself.
8. Don’t take on the responsibility for your loved one’s happiness and well-being.
9. Don’t let your loved one control your happiness and well-being.
10. Don’t ever give up hope.

The Do’s

1. Do take the issue seriously. If your loved one were dealing with any other disorder, you would seek help immediately. Substance use disorder should be no different.
2. Do show your loved one kindness, empathy, and compassion.
3. Do listen to your loved one.
4. Do set appropriate boundaries and adhere to them.
5. Do set realistic expectations of your loved one.
6. Do notice and point out when your loved one takes positive steps, no matter how small.
7. Do pay more attention to your needs and less to your loved one’s.
8. Do try to normalize what your loved one is going through. To be on this Earth is to overindulge in something (think caffeine, nicotine, ice cream, Netflix, Amazon, social media scrolling, Candy Crush). Please do not make them feel terminally unique or alone.
9. Do practice self-care.
10. Do remember, there is always hope of recovery.

Tough love really means loving yourself more, not loving your loved one less. It means setting boundaries to take care of yourself and making it more uncomfortable for your loved one to keep using.

Letting go really means changing your behavior and not trying to control your loved one’s. Learn the boundary lines that separate your life from your loved one’s life, and respect those lines for yourself and your loved one. Take care of things within your power and do not take on responsibilities that aren’t rightfully yours.

Addiction is a family disease, and each member needs to find their recovery from its effects. While we cannot make our loved ones seek help for their using disorder, making it more difficult will incentivize them.

With the right attitude toward your loved one and an emphasis on constructive behavior changes, you will begin the process. By setting an example of change and stepping out of the bounds of your expected role, you may be able to effectively steer your loved one to recovery. Most importantly, your recovery does not depend on your loved one’s recovery.