The DSM describes narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), as a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. Keep in mind, too, that many people can exhibit some narcissistic characteristics without having full-blown NPD. These might include:
- Having an inflated sense of self
- Needing constant praise
- Taking advantage of others
- Not or caring about the needs of others
People with NPD or narcissistic tendencies are often very sensitive to criticism. They have “fragile, high self-esteem.” This means they are highly dependent on external validation and self-deception or fantasies of success, power, and beauty.
Rosa, a relationship coaching client of mine, is in a challenging relationship with her narcissistic boyfriend, Duane. Below is an example of how rough it often gets for Rosa.
Text Message Drama Between Rosa And Narcissistic Duane
Rosa: You just said there was a big problem. I’m trying to close out an order for work but I’m worried. Are you okay? What’s going on?
Duane: It’s whatever, its fine, I guess. But call or facetime me soon. Just make sure it’s a time when I don’t have to compete with your job.
Rosa: I don’t understand. When I left this morning it seemed we were in a good place. Can’t you just say what you are concerned about?
Duane: How is it you can even text me if you are so busy at work? You’re not that busy. You’re just avoiding me! You talk about needing trust and all that feeling safe crap and yet you suck at doing it yourself. You treat me like a piece of garbage, like nothing I have to say is important. You don’t care about me at all!
Rosa: I just asked you what the issue is, but you won’t tell me! What am I supposed to do?
Duane: NEVER MIND! IT’S ALWAYS ALL ABOUT YOU AND WHAT YOU WANT. YOU COULDN’T CARE LESS ABOUT WHAT I NEED!!!
Rosa: Come ON! You know that’s not true. Talk to me, baby.
Duane: Stop with that “talk to me baby, sh*t”! I CAN’T TALK TO YOU! YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ANYTHING I SAY!
Rosa [Using some tools we practiced together]: I am trying, but…I can’t deal with your intensity and this work craziness today. I have a big day ahead. Seriously, can you please take this down a notch? If you’re still upset later, let’s talk.
The Challenges Narcissists Have In Loving Relationships
Narcissistic partners can be very charming, especially in the early going. They tend to shine with their glowing, animated personalities. They can make you feel great by choosing you. So, it is not hard to understand how these compelling hooks lead people to be attracted to narcissistic partners.
However, in time, narcissistic partners tend to be controlling and suffocating in relationships. They easily become threatened, jealous, and quick to feel slighted and hurt. This leads to them lash out. Narcissists live in a world of drama and attention-seeking and they want you to be there (and will try to keep you there) with them.
There is a popular saying: “You can’t love someone else unless you love yourself.” Narcissistic partners struggle with loving someone else because they struggle to love themselves. Tragically, they often lack the ability to have empathy for their partners’ feelings. Their relationships are transactional, where those around them are often valued in terms of their ability to meet their needs.
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you may understandably feel very lonely. When a narcissistic partner acts as if they are always right, it is hard to feel connected to them. Their narrative is that they know better and that their partner is wrong or incompetent.
4 Musts To Manage A Narcissistic Partner
- See their narcissism and accept it for what it is: As I wrote in my relationship book, Why Can’t You Read My Mind?the first step in dealing with someone who has emotional limitations, as in the case of a narcissist, is simply accepting that this is who they are—there’s not much you can do to change that.
- Know your value and speak up: Narcissistic personalities enjoy making others feel uncomfortable and even squirm. Develop your own self-confidence and self-worth by learning to practice self-compassion. Don’t act like a victim or you will get gobbled up. See yourself as equal, and treat your partner as an equal.
You must tell them how their words and conduct impact your life. Be specific and consistent about what’s not acceptable and how you expect to be treated. Don’t be attached to the results, as they may simply not understand—or care. Nevertheless, having your own voice in the relationship still counts.
- Don’t take on what is not yours: A person with a narcissistic personality disorder will avoid taking responsibility for hurting you. Instead, they tend to compensate by justifying their twisted actions or projecting their own negative behaviors onto you or someone else. You know what’s rational. Don’t let them take that away from you.
- Set clear boundaries: A person with a narcissistic personality is often quite self-absorbed. They might tell you how you should feel or order you around. Maybe they give you unsolicited advice and take credit for things you’ve done. They may also have little awareness of personal space, so they tend to cross a lot of boundaries. That’s why you have to be abundantly clear about boundaries (Just like Rosa did in the example above) that are important to you.
Narcissism Essential Reads
When To Consider Leaving The Relationship
If you feel like you are at your wit’s end and question whether or not to leave the relationship, consider the following:
- Are you being verbally or emotionally abused?
- Are you feeling manipulated and controlled?
- Have you been physically abused or feel threatened?
- Do you feel isolated?
- Does your partner show signs of mental illness or substance abuse, but won’t get help?
- Do you feel that your mental or physical health is being affected?